Do you sometimes wonder how can you be more confident? How are the people who are confident doing it? For some it comes naturally and for some a bit less. For some people it is a lifelong “wish” or a “goal” to be confident, or even something that they can never imagine themselves being.
Me personally I was struggling with this a lot for the first part of my life (so far) here on Earth. I had no idea how my friends and classmates have been doing it so effortlessly and I was always the one who was afraid to speak up for herself.
I was going to many different hobby clubs as a child until I was 15 years old – drama club, gymnastics, street dance, scout,… and at most of them it was difficult for me to fit in, because I wasn’t as confident as the other kids there, who were the “louder” ones, the ones making jokes etc., although I thought I had a good sense of humour, I was never brave enough to show it for fear of humiliation.
How did I gain confidence?
I think my confidence first started blooming slowly, when I got my first gym membership card, at the age of 17, and was going to the gym around five times a week, no matter what. Every day I went home from school, had dinner and then went home for an evening gym session. But it wasn’t because it made me look a certain way, that I felt a little more confident, it was because I was fulfilling my promises to myself day in day out. I could be confident in me, in the way that I could trust myself. I said I would do it, so I went and I did it.
Unfortunately the way I was doing it wasn’t the most sustainable way of doing it for me, although I wasn’t starving myself, eventually, some of my life circumstances have shifted (I got my heart broken – teenage love, the world’s end – you know it), and stopped going to the gym.
Then, what I call the “dark times” came into my life, I was not doing well, mentally or physically and retreated into my crabby shell for almost a year. Lost all my confidence, my strength and willingness to enjoy life. I fell into an eating disorder and was locked in this vicious cycle of unhappiness.
The big change
But then I made a decision to change everything and I started by dying my hair blonde, when I was 18. It was a big move for me, most of my life having just brown hair or even dark brown. But that was my vision – I am going to be the blonde “it” girl. I went back to exercising and running, I was eating much healthier and feeling much better, both emotionally and physically. It might seem like it was just an overnight idea, but it took months of sleepless nights about me having to change my life. And I made it.
But that wasn’t it, although in some areas my confidence was stronger, I still had some places where I was afraid and completely non-confident. I was always afraid of not knowing how to go on trains to go somewhere, of getting lost, of being helpless in a sticky situation, while my friends all seemed like they just knew the world. But now looking back, the reason for me being more scared of the “big world” was, that I grew up in a small lonely place near a forest and a river, with only our house, my grandma’s house and one other house in the nearest 100 meters.
The town centre was 3 kilometres away, so while my primary school classmates were hanging out with friends in the city centre, I was living with nature and playing Aliens or secret agents with my sister and my cousins (but I wouldn’t change a thing).
So then, 18 years old me, after high school, decided that this will change – another drastic move, this time putting myself consciously 100% out of my comfort zone. I decided to rip the bandage off in the fastest way possible, to become more confident outside of our little town, and decided to hitch-hike to France. I had this planned some months in advance, but actually the idea of going out in the world happened already one year before finishing high school.
The first steps out of the comfort zone
So I did that and it was an amazing adventure, and I think that it was that one thing that I proved to myself – that I am capable of crazy things (in a good way), that I can do them, when I set myself to do them. During that summer I also applied for an Au pair programme in the USA, so I went in September, for one year, to live with an American family in California. It was another stepping stone on my more confident self, because I again did something I told myself I would do. Then I went on to study Bachelor’s degree in Denmark, which was another thing.. and so on.
All of this helped me to get more out of my shell, because I consciously put myself out there. And most of those times, I had an amazing time and felt freer than ever before.
What are the simple steps to gain confidence?
Of course, not everyone can just decide “okay, next month I am going on the adventure of my life, to gain confidence, because I told myself I would go”.
There are multiple different ways how to do this, I just went for the extreme way – simply because I could. And felt like I needed it.
1. Put yourself out of your comfort zone
So, the simple things you can do is to – still – put yourself out of your comfort zone. Approach people, invite people out, if you are in your mind and think that they would say no. Even if they say no, don’t give up on yourself. Sign up for voluntary work, sign up for different hobby clubs around your city, and talk to more people.
When you do this, and in most cases, nothing bad happens to you – you will slowly become less scared of unknown or unpredictable situations. You will be more adept and keen to try new things and it will be easier for you step by step to welcome new opportunities and to do things that you wouldn’t think of doing before.
2. Get used to what you look like – on photos or videos
Take pictures of yourself and let people take pictures of you. Take videos and let people take videos of you – in general – don’t shy away from the camera. Even if you truly believe that you look “horrible”, the more you see yourself on the screen, the more you will get used to seeing yourself, seeing yourself with the eyes of the other person, and no matter what you look like, you will realise that you are just like anyone else. And that you are lovely and shine your personal light, that no one else has. No one is truly perfect, and there is no reason why you should feel like “less” than anyone else.
3. Keep promises to yourself
This is a big one. Maybe the biggest one of these – keep promises to yourself. When you decide you will do something (especially if it is something that is good for your physical or mental health or for your business, development, etc.) do it. That is how you gain confidence in yourself, same way as you would gain confidence and trust into someone who promised something to you and followed through with that promise. Make that person yourself.
4. Be kind and loving to yourself in your words and thoughts
Again, this subject cannot be stressed enough, even though I talk about this in my other articles (why does self talk matter?). When you think, meditate or even just talk about yourself in front of others, make sure that you are using positive and kind words. Do not put yourself down in your self talk or when talking with people. In other words – respect yourself. Even if you do not feel like that right now, try to inhibit this habit and see how your own image of you changes for the better, which will directly impact your level of confidence.
Conclusion
Thank you for reading this article as always, I really appreciate it! I write these things because I believe they can actually be helpful. These techniques have been helping me throughout my life and truly work. Let me know in the comments what are your thoughts and experiences with gaining confidence, as well as more tips – they are always appreciated!
Love – Martina Shay
For more tips and insights on wellbeing, balance, meditation and manifestation, follow @martinashaycom on Instagram.